So It's National Blog Month
And two bloggers who I prefer to call Frank Lucas (Jameil) and Nicky Barnes (Vdizzle) are undertaking the task of blogging once a day, so I salute them for their ambition and drive to have something interesting to talk about everyday. I can't do it, LOL...so I'm going to try at least once a week, which will greatly please Frank....er uh, I mean Jameil.
Today's topic? The battle for healthy self-esteem and how women have nothing to do with it. In a recent conversation with Jameil, she was more fired up than usual, trying to convince me that my battle for self-acceptance doesn't hinge on whether I turn women on or not. Of course I think it does, but I listen because I don't want to get killed long distance.
For background purposes, let me make it clear that I've always kinda sorta been woman-crazy, but it didn't really sink in for me how obsessed I was until I got to St. Mary's County. Now mind you, I've been here almost three weeks, it'll be three tomorrow, and I haven't even spoken to a woman, let alone went out with any. Yet, I'm still wondering when I'm going to get some youknowwhat. Mind you, I'm the farthest thing from a manwhore/playa/pimp/ladies' man you will ever know. Yet, the constant need to be in a woman's company or get some sort of praise (or something else that starts with a "p") from them is maddening. I know one has to love themselves in order for someone else to love them.
However, I feel like it would be easier if the preferred gender of attraction would show me some love so I could feel like I wasn't such a failure as a human being. I guess my reason for feeling that way is that I've always been the single guy, the third wheel of sorts. My boys would want to include me in things, but since they were dating/married at young ages, I felt that it was best to steer clear so I wouldn't become THAT friend the wives can't stand, you know?
And in that alone time, I started wondering why women didn't want me. And of course, everybody knows when you're alone, you have a lot of time to think, and my thoughts drifted to everything that was WRONG with me instead of magnifying what's right about me and presenting it to women to get the results I want. Somehow, all that was good with me got lost in my pining for women to adore me, and the negative came flaring out and it's been on full display ever since. That's my story.
Now what people are telling me is that no one comes before you, you have to love yourself and you'll always be happy even if you don't find love. That's fine, but for those of us who've been sold the dream that you need a relationship and love to survive, how can you work your way out of that belief in order to reshape your way of think that you'll be just fine if you never have anyone there for you, no one to make love to, no one to just chill and watch TV with, no one who understands you and accepts you for who you are and doesn't care about what you're not?
That's my problem. I'd love to be o.k. even if I stay single forever, but part of me knows I won't be, so I want to date/sleep with/marry, etc., but I don't know if I can pull it off. It's a strange situation. One I hope to resolve soon.
Today's topic? The battle for healthy self-esteem and how women have nothing to do with it. In a recent conversation with Jameil, she was more fired up than usual, trying to convince me that my battle for self-acceptance doesn't hinge on whether I turn women on or not. Of course I think it does, but I listen because I don't want to get killed long distance.
For background purposes, let me make it clear that I've always kinda sorta been woman-crazy, but it didn't really sink in for me how obsessed I was until I got to St. Mary's County. Now mind you, I've been here almost three weeks, it'll be three tomorrow, and I haven't even spoken to a woman, let alone went out with any. Yet, I'm still wondering when I'm going to get some youknowwhat. Mind you, I'm the farthest thing from a manwhore/playa/pimp/ladies' man you will ever know. Yet, the constant need to be in a woman's company or get some sort of praise (or something else that starts with a "p") from them is maddening. I know one has to love themselves in order for someone else to love them.
However, I feel like it would be easier if the preferred gender of attraction would show me some love so I could feel like I wasn't such a failure as a human being. I guess my reason for feeling that way is that I've always been the single guy, the third wheel of sorts. My boys would want to include me in things, but since they were dating/married at young ages, I felt that it was best to steer clear so I wouldn't become THAT friend the wives can't stand, you know?
And in that alone time, I started wondering why women didn't want me. And of course, everybody knows when you're alone, you have a lot of time to think, and my thoughts drifted to everything that was WRONG with me instead of magnifying what's right about me and presenting it to women to get the results I want. Somehow, all that was good with me got lost in my pining for women to adore me, and the negative came flaring out and it's been on full display ever since. That's my story.
Now what people are telling me is that no one comes before you, you have to love yourself and you'll always be happy even if you don't find love. That's fine, but for those of us who've been sold the dream that you need a relationship and love to survive, how can you work your way out of that belief in order to reshape your way of think that you'll be just fine if you never have anyone there for you, no one to make love to, no one to just chill and watch TV with, no one who understands you and accepts you for who you are and doesn't care about what you're not?
That's my problem. I'd love to be o.k. even if I stay single forever, but part of me knows I won't be, so I want to date/sleep with/marry, etc., but I don't know if I can pull it off. It's a strange situation. One I hope to resolve soon.
posted by Chris @ 1:24 PM
6 Comments:
At 3:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
I soooo relate to this blog ... its ridiculous ... but either way ... I think it kicks in more when you are in a new place ... Im new in Cali ... been here for almost 2 months ... and I've always been self critical ... folk always tell me you have to love yourself first ... and I do love myself ... but I also know its is very much a part of who I am to love someone else ... to have that soft spot to land ... that is who I am ... some folk are great with being single ... and its fine ... and Im learning alot of things about myself ...but its hard when Ive watched plenty of my friends abuse relationships and jump from one to the next... I only want one ...someone to understand ... a friend and a lover ... but well ... Im being redundant ...I could go on and on ... but I know ... truly I do ...
At 6:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
I'll be the first to tell you the journey to self-acceptance is a hard one. Been there, done that, grew out of the t-shirt. But can I tell you how to get there? Nah. But I wish I could. We all deserve that self-sufficient happiness.
What I do know is that positive thoughts breed positive results (ahem. let's believe you can make a change as opposed to dismissing it for the "dream" you've been fed). Oh, and if that dream you're feasting upon is bitter? You should spit that out and cook you up a tastier one. Just a suggestion, although I do recognize it's easier said than done. But you'll never know unless you give it a shot.
~Nikki~
At 5:45 PM,
Southerner in Suomi said…
Chris, you just proved me and Jam's point. As long as you are waiting for someone else to validate you, then you will have all this self-hate.
In the words of Kat Williams, "it's called esteem of YO muthafuckin self!!"
And their right above me, it's is definitely easier said than done, but it's something that NEEDS to be done. On your own.
At 12:45 AM,
CNEL said…
I feel you.
But I have come to understand that you have to come to have a view of yourself which leaves you satisfied.
When someone sees that you're satisfied they'll come along. Hopefully they won't mess that shit up, people love to disturb a good thing.
Hopefully someone will see in you, the ability to help them stay satisfied with who they are, and vice versa.
When two becomes one, it's not about forsaking their ownselves, it's about creating a new hybrid which represents that unity, that bond, that connection.
At 1:33 PM,
Jameil said…
frank here. it still all comes back to you. its not making yourself loveworthy so you can't get love. its actually liking yourself. you have to start there. because people are thinking "if you don't like yourself, why should i?" once you like you, you become ok w/being with you, and ironically, that's usually when someone else appears.
have you ever been around someone who was always talking about how horrible and fat and ugly they are? its exhausting. esp. if you don't think they are. it acts as a repellent to actual human interaction.
fyi: speaking is the first step! and you don't really need to speak with sleeping with her in the forefront of your mind. start with a simple hello and keep it moving. that in itself is intriguing.
also you become that guy wives hate when you take them to strip clubs and try to hook them up with women, not when you're simply around once in a while.
p.s. i was extra fired-up that day partially b/c i'd been drinking, but it needed to be said.
At 1:35 PM,
Jameil said…
wait. did my fellow gangsta just quote kat williams!?!?! lmao!! in.sane!!
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