An Interview With The Misunderstood...

Between a poor poor woman in Connecticut getting her face literally ripped off by a wild chimp and this picture, it seems that our mammalian and reptilian brothers and sisters have had enough of humans trying to domesticate them. Now instead of cute cuddly chimps, they are now dangerous beasts who should be shot at a moment's notice. Speaking as a black man, that's why you don't see any of us on those nature shows - WE KNOW BETTER. So yesterday afternoon, I had a chance to sit down with the Lioness in the linked photo. Her name is Meg and she has some interesting insights as to why animals are either cute and cuddly or dangerous and feared.

Chris: Hey Meg, first of all thanks for granting me the time to talk to you, I understand you want to get some things off your chest.

Meg: Oh no problem darling, and yes, I must, as I've seen you say in your works, "come clean" about a lot of things about us jungle-dwellers.

Chris: Alright, so let's get down to it. Pictures were made public late this week of you taking a swim with Kevin Richardson, the South African animal guru. The main picture caught you looking at the camera and you didn't seem to be smiling at all -

Meg: That's because, Chris, we don't smile. There was nothing funny about a sister trying to take an afternoon dip and being hugged on by some kooky guy who thinks he understands us. You see, I am a predator and a hunter of the highest order, the female version of a hustler if you will, and I really don't like cameras around when I'm trying to eat. So after Kevin left the water and took his flunkies with him, I on the other hand was still hungry. Not a good look.

Chris: I see. I'm sure you follow the news and you've seen primates going wild these last few weeks, Travis the movie chimp literally almost kills a woman and another monkey picks off his owner with one shot of a coconut high above in a tree. Why do you think humans try to make you guys who aren't house trained - and will never be house trained - cute and cuddly pets?

Meg: That last chimp had some great aim, didn't he? If that's any indication, the baseball players will want monkey DNA instead of steroids! *Chris and Meg laugh* But to answer your question, I believe humans look at us as their puppets because we are so damn sexy. I mean look at me - don't I strike you as a regal lioness? I do believe Kevin wants to engage in what humans call beastiality, but that is not my swag, as I've heard the kids say.

The fact of the matter is the Creator, God, the most high, Allah, Jehovah, whoever is responsible for life, made us with the intent to lay around in the sun, dip in the water, and tear some stuff up. That's it, that's our purpose. When humans try to domesticate us and make us their cute show and tell toys, we're just bubbling under the surface. Poor Travis, God bless the dead, clearly had enough of being made, well, a monkey.

Chris: Interesting indeed. Now I must ask because us humans are in a panic. A lot of us have this not-so-secret fear of you all arming yourselves and staging a hostile takeover of planet Earth. Should we be concerned with an armed animal force in the coming years?

Meg: Not necessarily. I mean as you've seen with me, Travis, Roger Simians and the squirrels, we're not going to take domestication lightly, but it's still years to go before we start taking everything over, even if we do. Our unspoken code in the animal world is "live and let live." If you leave us to our natural habitat and way of life, we will leave you to yours. You don't see me covering your sporting events, so I would hope you wouldn't be grazing around trying to kill an elephant with your teeth and hands like I would!

Chris: Good point. Is there anything you'd like to say in closing to maybe get your point across, even though you've done that fairly well in this sit down.

Meg: Yes - Dear, sweet, gentle, kindly little humans - Fall back. We are NOT your playthings, we are dangerous, ill-tempered, hungry powerful machines of death. We will make you a Happy Meal and think nothing of it. If you leave us to our routine and daily living, we will leave to yours and we can go back to co-existing without us beating the crap out of you.

Chris: Yes indeed. Well Meg, thanks again for the time, really appreciate it and good luck swimming with Kevin.

Meg: No, thank YOU Chris for giving me a chance to speak out. And I don't think I'LL be the one who needs the luck. *Evil lioness grin*