Success and my inability to handle it...

I stepped on the scale Friday morning expecting a reasonable amount of weight loss (which is about three to four pounds). During the month of May, I made the hard as hell step to cut back mightily on fried foods and sugar-related goodies, which are of course my prime weaknesses. Eating ham and mustard sandwiches for dinner and overdosing on fruit was simply put the hardest thing I've ever done in my life that didn't have to do with selecting a college, choosing the career of my dreams or deciding whether to tell another chick off in four letter wording or in professional language. Somehow I made it through May unscathed, and walking close to seven miles daily helped as well.

So when the scale notified me that I dropped 10 pounds in the month of May, my jaw hit the floor. "This can't be possible, no way," I thought to myself. So I stepped back on the scale. Same result. Talk about a breakthrough. I've lost 51 pounds total, and I'm at my lowest weight in seven years, along with being only 15 pounds off from one of my goals. So why am I unhappy? Why am I doubting the scale, even though my routine and effort suggests I earned this reward fair and square? The answer probably lies in the fact that I've never really been a positive thinker and expected much even though I've had some pretty cool things happen to me over the course of a few years.

The weight loss is a prime example. I took an interest in dropping weight after weighing myself New Year's Day '06 and seeing three horrifying numbers that I STILL don't feel comfortable repeating as of yet. Then and there, I decided to go ahead and make an effort to get in shape, and even though I've stuck with it for 17 months now, I never really thought I'd lose this much weight and have a realistic shot at reaching my goals. Now that I've made a serious dent in this, it's almost like "I guess I can't say I can't do it anymore." And that's probably what freaks me out. I'm so used to telling myself I can't, especially after that's all other people would tell me in regards to anything I've done, that I usually lose the game before it even starts.

This will definitely be a lightning rod for those of the "I told you so" persuasion, who think confidence is the key to everything. Doesn't mean I fully believe them as of yet, but I guess if I keep dropping weight and accomplishing other goals of importance, I may have to admit that they're right after all.