Good Thoughts, Bad Thoughts

In this ongoing process of becoming a better person physically, mentally and emotionally (I need to throw spiritually in there as well, but baby steps), there are a ton of mishaps and mistakes along the way that you make, but the general idea of those screw-ups is that you learn from them so you don't do it again. Apparently, the bridge-burner that lives inside of me must've scored that memo with the first touch. I have problems swallowing my rage and anger and saying some things that I regret within seconds of them leaving my mouth or fingers. By that time, it's usually too late to take it back and I'm ass-out like a sista wearing a thong. So in another cathartic post, where I lay my cards on the table, I'm going to acknowledge things that I might not want to, but hopefully getting it out in blog form will help me fix this foolishness before I really screw myself over.

For all of my good traits my friends and readers have listed that they see in me, there is a darker side to Chris that usually presents itself at the worst of times. Those dark traits are things that I really don't like, but have come to rely on as a defense mechanism, something like a salve to ease the pain and suffering I feel like I deal with. I guess for all the old soul characteristics I display, the immaturity of having the last word is something that I can't seem to shake. And it's come back to bite me in the ass more often than I'd like.

For one, I'm a very needy person. Yeah, I said it. I feel like if no one tells me they care or that they like me or that they see something good in me, then I must be a total failure. Sometimes that leads to a little -- o.k., we're being honest here, screw it...a lot -- of fishing for positive feedback, compliments, kind words, the desire to have sex with me...it's all a trip. I guess that comes from the lack of self confidence that I'm still dealing with deep into my 20s. I have NO idea what it's going to take for me to find some sort of inner peace and self love, but I welcome the day when that happens.

Also, I'm pretty good at being jealous/envious/a hater. I never really say how I feel at the risk of rocking the boat with the people I care about as friends and family, but EVERY TIME I hear about someone I know entering into a new relationship, especially with someone else I know, I'm like, "God, I wish they'd crawl under a rock." And that's not necessarily a reflection of anger or hatred at them, it's more like "why can't I have what everyone else has?" Or, admittedly, in quite a few cases it is a feeling of "Why didn't she want me? What's so freakin' great about him?" I always feel like the fifth wheel a lot of times because most of the people I know are dating someone or dating each other, and I'm the lone oddball that can't even get a date, let alone a relationship.

Thirdly, sometimey, to quote my mom, is something I do very well, especially when I don't get my way. That girl who hit me with the 90-day rule? Ask me if I've talked to her since she found my blog and got on my case about being selfish and childish. I haven't. I can't tell you how many people -- alright, here's that honest thing again...WOMEN -- have IMed me and sent me e-mails wondering why I don't talk to them anymore. Yet of course, the beauty of being stubborn and abrasive like I can be is that you can pawn off the explanation of "I don't owe anybody anything," as a suitable reply. That's really just my way of saying, "since you have no interest in me beyond friendship, I'm not going to make a fool of myself and my feelings any longer." I guess I become a hypocrite of the highest level when I say I want honesty and truth from women, but I hide behind a cookie cutter reason when the time comes for me to explain myself. Yes indeed, I've got a lot to work on.

My worst transgression, however, is one that I get mad at myself for because I know I'm dead wrong and that I should never let my temporary anger get in the way of potential positive situations. I can be, and have been the cruelest, most ignorant, evil, disrespectful so and so during the course of an argument. Hence the burning bridges portion of this entry. When I'm mad, you'll know it, because I'll say some off the wall stuff that will either make you laugh or really hurt your feelings and question if I'm even the same person I was before the disagreement began. Ranging from "find out who the father of your kids is," to "Good luck working at McDonalds with a degree in communications," I've said some wrong things to women during an argument that usually has to deal with either of the previous two situations before this one.

As I said before, that need to have the last word, the desire to hurt more than I feel hurt is something that has cost me a lot of friends and potential relationships over the years because of my lack of patience and understanding, absence of self confidence, and a general disregard for common sense. As my grandmother used to say, "Common sense ain't that damn common!" Well, at least I know what I need to improve on in the negative aspects of my life as well as lifting up and promoting the positive ones. I just wish I could stop hurting people while doing it.