My Way

I really get nervous when I post about my deepest thoughts and feelings, not because I feel weird in expressing them, but I'm always wary of offending someone who may stumble across this blog. Yet as I've done in the past in will continue to do, I'll always be honest and truthful about what I'm thinking and/or feeling.

I'm five months and three weeks away from turning 28, which means this quarter-life crisis thing is hopefully at its zenith and will be calming down in the near future. The quarter-life crisis, as a lot of us well know, deals with thoughts of the future - what are we doing professionally, personally, will we have time to reach our goals, and if we don't, well...what becomes of us spiritually?

Those type of things weight heavily on my mind, and every time I end up talking to my grandmother in my dreams (which happens often), I feel like there is something after this life...but I'm not certain. It scares me to no end, but as long as I wake up in the morning, I guess I feel alright. That said, I've found that in my loner-like nature, I can only depend on me for my happiness. I really haven't stressed much about women in weeks, nor have I felt really bad about myself.

The 500 sit-ups I complete daily, along with other little spurts of joy and laughter have made me understand that I really need to be in tune with Chris before I can go out in the world and seek comfort and caring in the arms of a woman. I still get lonely and fearful living by myself, but I just have learned to trust God and whatever happens as far as my physical and spiritual life, I have to accept that.

That bit of peace has allowed me to be myself a bit more freely, not much, but just enough to where I can stand to look at myself in the mirror sometimes. Of course I still have moments where I wish I was over 6 feet tall, a few shades lighter and muscular (or skinny), but those moments don't come as often as they used to. That's part of the healing process, to know that you CAN'T be somebody else, you can only be who you are. I still think it's easier being what women view as acceptable physically, but, in I guess a spiteful sort of way, I've learned that women who can't accept me for who I am are women that I really can't worry about. You would think with all the women who've shot me down having problems with their choices of men is a source of pride and revenge for me. Some days it is, other days it's "come on Chris, grow up."

I still find myself with the hair trigger as far as distancing myself from people, mainly because while my sense of self is improving, my short patience is not. I really find it disingenuous to be friends with people who really aren't friends. It seems like more or less in my case, those "friends" women who don't want anything to do with me beyond conversation when they're bored. I guess I could take the blame for not being exciting enough for them to want anything more than time-passing conversation, but I can also take the initiative to just not be bothered and force them to leave me alone or at least ask me why (the latter usually happens).

I really find myself fighting with my bristling attitude whenever the question is posed - "Do I really want to say 'no one gives a damn about your relationship with Mr. Wonderful' or whatever?" "Why call her a superficial and shallow slut? It's only going to make the situation worse." "You know you don't want to hear about her sex life, so why even entertain it?" It's a mess. But a mess I'm working on fixing.

I guess this Friday night ramble is just my way of thinking out loud so all who read this blog can understand that I am working to improve myself, and I still have some areas to work on. But I'm beginning to be fine with who I am, and that's what really matters.