The attack of the flaky females

Now, I said I was going to chill on the "Chris and his problems with women" posts, but damn, something needs to be said about a special type of female. One who isn't cunning in her manipulation, certainly not calculating in her deception, but just flat out dumb. That type of female, Post Game Show readers, is the flake. The things a flake will do to keep a man off balance aren't even intentional most times, it's usually because they don't know any better or are following some crooked advice of their promiscuous and shameless girlfriends, giving them the characteristics that my grandmother, mom, godmother, older sis, aunts and older cousins have all described as "the dizzy bitch."*

So what constitutes a flake? What makes a particular woman earn such an undesirable designation of character? I'll be glad to tell you, seeing as every woman I've ever come across in my life has had flake tendencies.

Everybody knows what you do on the low, why you still tellin' lies to me?

Mind you, I was raised by women who spit The Truth like Beanie Sigel. You never had to worry about being told a lie to save your feelings or being forced believe in something that wasn't real. Santa Claus died in my mind the Christmas Mom said "Santa's fat ass needs to give me a refund on all these damn toys..." My grandmother, God rest her soul, would just tell someone straight out, most notably a cousin who was staying somewhere where he couldn't use the facilities, that "you shouldn't come back unless you get some soap on your ass."

A flake? The truth is about as likely to come out of her mouth as a million dollars. If a woman lies to you on the regular fellas, chances are you're just a fall back dude: someone she can string along or rely on after her dude dumps her. Her whereabouts are always a mystery, and that's the key. Sure cell phones are a matter of convieience, but if you don't have a house number for this chick, it's for a reason.

So if you call and she's out with some other dude, she can always say she's somewhere else. And just because she might be open to sex, doesn't mean she's open to it with you. Don't be surprised if her grandmother dies 26 times or her car gets broken into by Gary the local crackhead everytime you guys are supposed to get it in. Which brings me to my next flake-like tendency.

(Selective) Promiscuous girl, wherever you are...

A flake believes in her heart and soul that a dude who looks good, has money and is just the all around stereotypical "Mr. All-that," that it's better to get humped and dumped by him instead of suffering the indignity of dating or pursuing something with an average guy. Tragic but true. I've seen it happen several times at DSU, once with a girl who couldn't get enough of guys in frats, and another who feels like her level of sophistication makes her womanly parts made of platinum. Too bad dudes are always taking her to the pawn shop.

Who's fooling who?

Flakes are terrible liars, and it's hilarious to catch them in a lie, especially when you see them face to face. I've always been good at reading facial expressions, and there's nothing funnier on this Earth than a flake who is caught in a lie so outlandish, so incredibly dumb-ass, that they just have this look of disbelief mixed with a pinch of guilt. For example;

Dude: Hey...thought you were going to your cousin's wedding in Arkansas...
Flake: Oh, I've been and back already *sweet grin*
Dude: But you told me yesterday that it was at this time today...
Flake: *Cue the "Orb of confusion" look from the Mermaid Man episode of Spongebob Squarepants*

That's not a true story, but some lies have been told along those lines, and it's enough to make you question your own sanity and common sense as a human being. Like you have "complete dumb-ass" written all over your face and that maybe you are a fool if you believe anything this chick says. Speaking of believing anything a chick says...

What about your friends?

A flake is usually the weakest in her crew of female acquaintances. She usually fits the mold of a girl who lost her virginity late in her teens, maybe had one serious boyfriend who dogged her out in high school, and usually hangs with a crew of smut buckets who give her advice on how to handle men, you know the type the ones who want to turn the tables on men are quick to proclaim, if you'll pardon the expression "niggas ain't shit."

The flake will listen to her girls and try (pathetically) to execute the game plan the smut buckets have set up for her, only to fail miserably once guys catch on to her game, which should take honestly all of about 27 seconds. The friends can really make a flake a chick with a bad reptuation because of their own issues with men.

I knew a flake once who did everything her girlfriend told her...the same girl who had lied to at least three different dudes about being the father of her child, and at least two guys wondering where they got the yearning burning from in their crotches. So after dudes rail against her for her slutty transgressions, she's quick to try and make the entire gender pay for HER mistakes. Nothing worse than a woman who's anti-male after she's slutted, lied to, cheated on, and suckered in a bunch of men.

So as the female friends go, so goes the flake. If they're happy with their current dealings with men, they'll tell the flake how to play it straight. Yet, if all men are dogs (not surprisingly, there have been no DNA tests to prove that we are indeed canines), you can expect the flake to be at her peak form. Which is very very substandard.

So there you have it. Flaky Females are indeed a problem in this country, how they can be handled is beyond me, but now you know what to do if a girl has more random emergencies than R. Kelly has sex tapes. Just brush the flakes off and you too can keep a clean shirt...and criminal record and/or bill of health as well.

*The term "Dizzy Bitch" has been in my family at least since the '64 Phils folded like a cheap tent...I am not condoning labeling females "bitches" or any other slanderous word.