Blame It On Me...

I've noticed a very interesting development over the last few weeks and months as I prepare physically, mentally and emotionally to make some serious changes in my life. My B.S. tolerance, which was lower than Bush's approval ratings to begin with, has all but VANISHED. I've always had the reputation of being impatient, one who flies off the handle so to speak. Now, my short fuse is just a "sh..."

I really can't make time for people or situations that only serve to make me even more stressed and p.o'd than I usually am. That goes back to it really being nothing for me to just cut short any associations or dealings I may have had with former acquaintances. I used to feel bad about it to a degree, especially this week when I had to cut somebody else loose. However, something hit me last night before I fell asleep - only I can control how I feel from day to day, NOT anyone else. I know that whatever drama I have with this person or that person, or whatever stress comes from this situation or that situation, I've done it to myself.

There's really no reason for me to continue to get myself into these situations that I don't like and that I don't benefit from, hoping that by some magic occurence in the stars that it will eventually work out in my favor. You would think after about 10, 11 years of platonic friendships that I would KNOW that most of these friendships will NOT make it past that stage (I've commented on that whole friends make the best lovers deal before, but maybe I'll do a full post at some point).

I honestly would cringe whenever I would say things like "I have enough 'friends'" or "If I looked like this that and the other, you'd want to be more than friends." I tricked myself into thinking that it was okay to settle for less than what I want. Can't have that happening anymore. I'm going on 28, and I need to establish how I'm going to live my life and what's going to make me happy. I've always felt like I was so bad off that I should accept anything I could get in terms of social interaction, mainly because I didn't believe I was good enough to go for what I want.

This isn't to say that all of my friendships with women have been bad, because I must admit I have some very good solid friendships with women that I wouldn't risk destroying because of weak moments of arousal or a craving for some affection. Those women know who they are and this post is not directed to them, and they know that.

What it boils down to is Chris has to understand that while pursuing physical pleasure, he can't be pissed that women won't give it to him on sight, because real talk, Chris doesn't have THAT look. Also, if I want a real relationship, it takes time to build, and yes, it takes at some sort of connection.

I can't blame anyone else for the way my life, socially anyway, has gone. I can only blame myself and do my best to fix it.