My Thoughts

I've always been afraid of the future, stressed about the present, bitter about the past. As I close in on my 28th birthday, I have a ton of feelings running through me right now as it pertains to my life and which direction it's heading in. I wish I had an answer for all that bothers me, but I'm not in control of that. I know that pretty much all of this is a test that I'm expected to pass, but it doesn't make the fear any less intense.

Will I ever have a decent relationship with a woman? Seems doubtful. Beginning of this month, I found a walking partner (who I've also been intimate with a handful of times), but she wants to start walking earlier in the evening, and because of my job (which calls for mostly evenings) won't allow me to do so, I get the sense this situation is slipping away. I'm almost to the point where I want to give up entirely and brace for a life of loneliness. I get the sense that there is a council or tribunal of women who get together once a month or whatever to meet and figure out how to keep me away. I wish I knew why that was, but it's hurtful and frustrating all the same.

Speaking of my job, I'm becoming less enamored with it by the day. Well not what I do, just where I live and where I work. It'll be two years in October and this fall/winter will definitely be spent ironing out plans for the coming year. Whether it be grad school or a job outside of the profession, I've got to make a change at some point to retain my sanity and begin finding some happiness. I don't want to give up on this profession entirely because it's all I've wanted to do, but what do you do when an industry doesn't love you anymore, and probably never has?

I've always been a proponent of finding joy in the little things because they make everyday life a lot more bearable, but at some point, the expectations and the hassles of the real world begin to wear down on even the most optimistic person, so imagine what it's doing to a pessimist like yours truly? I've never felt so vulnerable in my life, even through a couple of new kid days at school, through flying for the first time three years ago, through leaving home within a week of interviewing for this job two years ago, I somehow survived it all.

Now, with my car (two years of ownership today) acting up, me feeling even more down than before and workplace drama, I don't know if those things will work out.

But I guess that's also God's way of trying to get me out of my comfort zone, which I've probably been in my whole life. Control has always been a big thing with me - I have to be in control all of the time, because when I'm not, I'm always afraid of what can go wrong. Instead, I guess God keeps hitting me over the head with this stuff to get a rise out of me, to let me know that I'm not in control all the time and that I can only play life by ear. Planning everything out never works out that way, I suppose.

I guess I'm just rambling because I haven't blogged in 16 days and I am afraid of what the future holds. I guess at some point I have to lock in my stance and brace for whatever's coming and hope I survive it all. I usually do anyway.