Admission

I get mad.

I get pissed off.

I'm offended.

I feel disrespected.

I cuss them out.

I threaten them.

I wish ill upon them.

All because they won't have sex with me. I hate women because I love sex, and they aren't willing. I'm a misogynist. I wish I wasn't.

One Step Forward, 1000 Steps Back....

I can't keep women in my life. My walking partner/FWB is now a distant memory after a particularly ugly fight (don't worry, my last name ain't Brown, no violence) a week ago that put me right back at Square One as far as the ongoing struggle with women goes. Instead of giving up on my walking because I was now alone again, I just decided to go back to what I did last fall. First thing in the morning, stretch, 10 laps, stretch again, but this time with the sit-ups after, THEN get my work day started. It's worked out well so far this week, however I can't help but feel guilt and shame over my latest troubles.

I really don't see things getting better as far as dealing with the fairer sex goes. I won't even go into detail about how this recent situation went from sugar to... you get the picture. I just always go back to my favorite saying in reference to these problems: "I can't win for losing." It just seems like women do not like me in the least, whether it's my physical appearance or something else, I always seem to get shot down. Slowly but surely, my physique is changing, especially in areas that really were an eyesore to me, so if I keep with this recent routine (and I plan on doing my best to keep it up), I'll be to where I want to be in terms of body shape and weight.

But what if I get there and nothing changes? It'll feel like I've done all this work for nothing, which is a bad thought anyway. I should be doing this for my health. And the thing is, I only feel bad about my weight when women mention it or just flat out ignore me - I always think that's the reason I have no luck. And considering my aversion to social events, I've tried every internet site known to man to meet women. That's all I've been trying for the last decade, and it still hasn't worked. People keep telling me to go outside and meet women, but anywhere I go, be it for work or running errands, women look at me with disgust or derision. Stop me if you've heard that before - I'm sure you have.

But what can you do when the fear of being ridiculed and a legitimate discomfort with public places and in-person social situations are stronger than the allure of any "good time" a square like myself can I have? I don't drink or smoke. I dance my ass off at home, but that's because nobody can see me. I'm very uncomfortable in crowds because I always think somebody's talking about me or looking for a way to make a joke out of me. Randomly approaching women? Forget it. I guess maybe I should just give it up and accept my life as a troll. It's a lot easier than getting my hopes up every once in a while.

RIP Nikki Harris

In this hi-tech era of social networking and making contact with other humans with your fingertips, it's still a genuine shock to your system to know that you are indeed talking to someone else miles away, that you've never met and may never meet, but it's still interaction. Some of it bad, some of it good, and in rare instances, an extraordinary inspiration.

On a blog entry of mine not quite a year ago, there was this comment that in the middle of the soft approach of my usual readers, one comment, the only time this person would comment, showed compassion for my plight, but a well-meaning kick in the ass to try and get me going:

ohmigod. this has to be the most honest entry i've read in i don't know how long. you are extremely courageous to put that out there.

everyone is afraid of something, luv. that's what makes us human. the difference is that for every person paralyzed by the fear, there is someone who uses that fear as a catalyst for movement.

there are all kinds of big cats out there in fulfilling relationships. why? cuz they value themselves and that's appealing to women.

don't see your size or your lack of relationship experience as something deterring you from happiness. see them as the great things you bring to the table, cuz that's what they really are.

just focus on you and loving yourself. women see through a cat with no confidence who engage in self-loathing and we run for the hills.

meanwhile, there was a yahoo article the other day about the fattest guy in the world marrying his girlfriend.

in other words, love is there for everyone, but it has to begin with self.

That comment was left by Nikki "Indigo" Harris, who passed away last Sunday due to complications from a rare autoimmune disease. I was so taken with her comment that I IMEEJATELY hustled over to her blog to see what she was talking about...and I laughed my ass off for what seemed like hours, reading her thoughts on everything from gaydar to Suge Knight. I also was compelled to think and feel reading her blogs about her dating experiences and such. I never met her and we never interacted much aside from me commenting on her blog every once in a while, but of course hindsight being 20/20, I wish I would've known her like most of the blogosphere knew her.

It sucks that most times the people with so much to offer, so much going for them, people who are really great to know get taken from us so early. Yet by all the accounts of the blog tributes I read, Nikki was Nikki right up until she passed, and I'm sure she's still being Nikki up there.

everyone is afraid of something, luv. that's what makes us human. the difference is that for every person paralyzed by the fear, there is someone who uses that fear as a catalyst for movement.

Right on, Nikki. God Bless You.