In spite of an insane start to it, I'm having a pretty good week, so let me say that this post is not fueled by anger or bitterness, just the reflective and honest spirit I've been blessed with.
I've noticed among the news feed on my Facebook homepage recently that people are really re-examining how they feel about sex these days. A lot of people are wondering if it's still cool to be casual, being cautious about hook-ups, or going extreme (quitting hook-ups altogether or going full steam ahead). You'll see status updates about "is this cool?" "Can it still be done?" "Why/how do people choose the partners they chose?" It's made for some very interesting reading, and of course, self-evaluation and reflecting.
So I've been thinking: Why am I such a horndog? Why do I say "sex or GTFO?" Do I even care? Why won't women give me what I think I want? Well, here goes...
I won't underestimate adult entertainment as part of my state of mind when it comes to sex, but my real problem lies in what my feelings are as far as a true statement of caring, loving, liking and affection goes. It's probably the weakest, pettiest, most childish, immature, lame and sorry-ass excuse out there for any guy, let alone a grown man in his late 20s, to think about, but it's my reasoning all the unfortunate same: "If women liked me, they'd sleep with me."
Yeah, I said it. I've said it to countless women before, more than 98 percent of whom have either laughed themselves into oblivion or were visibly hurt by that statement. It happens. The reason why I use it is simple, but two-pronged.
Number One: From my observation, the better a guy looks, the easier it is for a woman to fall. The majority of women that have shot me down have cited my physical appearance as a reason they wouldn't even talk to me, much less get wild with me. Those more attractive cats, more often than not, use their looks as the bra-strap snapper, the panty dropper, and really, I don't fault those guys for that. Zora Neale Hurston once said "Those who aint got it can't show it, those that got it can't hide it." So when not-so-tall, kinda dark, heavyset, proper-sounding me comes along and wants more than just a "church hug," I'm usually met with derision and shocked attitudes. Which brings me to Number Two:
I don't feel like I offer much. Even though I did the whole Bad Chris/Good Chris entry a few weeks ago, I still feel like the things that supposedly draw women to men are not good enough because I don't have the physique and/or the face to go with them. Women still want "Tupac with a degree," to quote one woman that was on the Tyra show a while back. The degree part I have. Pac or any other reasonably sought-after celeb type I will never be. People can swear up and down that looks don't matter, but unless your blind, that's simply not true. No one ever looks at an unattractive person and says "damn, I want to see what they're about."
On to the caring part, I've met women who have wanted to start off as friends only to pursue affection and intimacy in another man's arms, and that's what bothers me the most. The conversation usually goes something like this:
"Well, you're smart, funny, nice, so let's be friends and see what develops. Friends become lovers." WRONG. Friends become me sitting at home alone while guys with better bodies and facial structures have women bent over and spread wide. Part of it is my inability to have any semblance of a patient nature. If I don't get what I want, when I want? I've written you off. That happened like three times in the past six days alone! I guess the whole building thing is coming back to haunt me.
I once said that guys are like sports general managers: You have guys who are patient, willing to build up to success, while a lot of GMs feel the need to win right away. I've fallen into the latter category and it's really bothering me that I'm not getting the results I want.
Finally, what is it about sex that has corrupted my line of thinking? Well...I don't get as much as I want. I didn't go there until after high school and after I got started, it became something that I wanted as much as possible. So I've stepped to just about every woman (save for a few real friends) with the intention of getting it in. It hasn't worked but a handful of times, hence my disgust. I wish I could explain what it is about the act that has me feeling the way I do. It's a feeling of being wanted, being lusted after, being sought, being good enough for a woman to want to give her body to you. I guess I just explained it.
Either way, I'm just trying to figure out where I am and if I need to change anything in this respect. I'm always open for suggestions, so feel free to speak your peace.