If it's one thing I really hate, it's being told how to feel. Last night's conversation with a good friend who I haven't seen in almost nine years didn't help matters either. Going back to my high school days, myself and three friends of mine gave ourselves the nickname of The Untouchables, kinda like our own version of professional wrestling's Four Horsemen.
Darius was Ric Flair, I was kinda/sorta Ole Anderson, Corey (the friend I spoke to last night) was Tully Blanchard and Matt was Arn Anderson. We went everywhere together, did a bunch of stuff together and were as tight as can be until Corey left Delaware for Minnesota to attend college and live with his mom a decade ago. (Jesus, time flies).
Anyway, he's married now with a three-year old daughter and he was so excited, talking about how rewarding family life was and while I was truly happy for him, it dawned on me that it will never be me. I'm too far gone. I'm pretty much sick and tired of women and the games they play, but of course being heterosexual, that leaves me pretty much assed out in terms of companionship.
And of course somehow, that's my fault. It's my fault that women are superficial and shallow, patently obsessed with a man's bank account, physique and facial features. It's my fault that since I don't measure up in those regards, women think it's cool to string me along in false friendships. It's my fault that anywhere I go, women look at me with distain or derision. It's all me. Whatever.
This post won't win me any popularity contests, but I should be used to that by now. I have feelings like any other normal human being, and for them to be hurt time and time again, I'm well within my rights to speak on what's bothering me and what's hurting me.
Like I said in a previous fed-up-with-people-throwing-shade-at-me post, when you put stuff out here on this vast network, you tend to get feedback, unsolicited or otherwise. But when somebody with their own bs tries to throw me under the bus and says I need therapy? That's a line that should have NEVER been crossed. You? Of all people? Bold, aren't we?
That said, it's sad that I have to find out this way that the only person I can truly depend on is myself. I mean other folks are good for sharing good conversation and laughs with, but when it comes to my personal life and struggles related to it, I'm better off fighting that battle alone and in silence. And that's my trust in humanity is largely shattered. People that you think care about you and your well-being, that should want you to really get better and find happiness, really don't care at all. Unless it's jokes and humor, which apparently I need to be 24/7 for people to even want to talk to me.
And I'm wrong for saying what's on my mind this blatantly, but holding it in would only make things worse. So if anybody's offended, I'm sorry, but when has anyone ever apologized to me?