My Thoughts

I've always been afraid of the future, stressed about the present, bitter about the past. As I close in on my 28th birthday, I have a ton of feelings running through me right now as it pertains to my life and which direction it's heading in. I wish I had an answer for all that bothers me, but I'm not in control of that. I know that pretty much all of this is a test that I'm expected to pass, but it doesn't make the fear any less intense.

Will I ever have a decent relationship with a woman? Seems doubtful. Beginning of this month, I found a walking partner (who I've also been intimate with a handful of times), but she wants to start walking earlier in the evening, and because of my job (which calls for mostly evenings) won't allow me to do so, I get the sense this situation is slipping away. I'm almost to the point where I want to give up entirely and brace for a life of loneliness. I get the sense that there is a council or tribunal of women who get together once a month or whatever to meet and figure out how to keep me away. I wish I knew why that was, but it's hurtful and frustrating all the same.

Speaking of my job, I'm becoming less enamored with it by the day. Well not what I do, just where I live and where I work. It'll be two years in October and this fall/winter will definitely be spent ironing out plans for the coming year. Whether it be grad school or a job outside of the profession, I've got to make a change at some point to retain my sanity and begin finding some happiness. I don't want to give up on this profession entirely because it's all I've wanted to do, but what do you do when an industry doesn't love you anymore, and probably never has?

I've always been a proponent of finding joy in the little things because they make everyday life a lot more bearable, but at some point, the expectations and the hassles of the real world begin to wear down on even the most optimistic person, so imagine what it's doing to a pessimist like yours truly? I've never felt so vulnerable in my life, even through a couple of new kid days at school, through flying for the first time three years ago, through leaving home within a week of interviewing for this job two years ago, I somehow survived it all.

Now, with my car (two years of ownership today) acting up, me feeling even more down than before and workplace drama, I don't know if those things will work out.

But I guess that's also God's way of trying to get me out of my comfort zone, which I've probably been in my whole life. Control has always been a big thing with me - I have to be in control all of the time, because when I'm not, I'm always afraid of what can go wrong. Instead, I guess God keeps hitting me over the head with this stuff to get a rise out of me, to let me know that I'm not in control all the time and that I can only play life by ear. Planning everything out never works out that way, I suppose.

I guess I'm just rambling because I haven't blogged in 16 days and I am afraid of what the future holds. I guess at some point I have to lock in my stance and brace for whatever's coming and hope I survive it all. I usually do anyway.

The Final Friendship Post

Before I begin, let me say that this is my last time sharing my thoughts on this particular subject until I can rectify it because it makes no sense for me to stress about it until I figure out how to fix it, so here goes.

I've said it before, maybe not as eloquently as I would like, but this post will break it down so it can forever be broke - I personally cannot fathom two heterosexual individuals, man and woman to be exact, being just friends. I will gladly tell you why in full force. I'm blogging about this on a Friday, so I know folks won't see it until Sunday afternoon at the earliest, but I'll be grinding back at work on Monday, so I figured I'd do it now.

The concept of platonic friendship was ruined for me my senior year of high school (back story in this here blog entry) and for the last 10 years, whenever a woman has said that word to me in reference to her desired association with me, I feel my skin getting warm, my head starts pounding and my heart beat slows to a crawl. Hopefully that's not the sign of a heart attack or a stroke, but you get the picture. I become so infuriated and offended at the suggestion of friendship because more often than not, it isn't genuine.

Countless friendships with women have either been woefully one-sided or a major letdown because of what I found out shortly (or in a scant few cases, a while) after the "friendship" began. There have been times when I've been the one listening to women talk about everything (topics ranging from family drama to sexual ineptness with other men) and then when I needed an ear, they were MIA or flat-out didn't want to hear it. There's also the deception of saying to me "I'm not looking for ANYTHING with ANYONE right now, but we can be cool," only to see them enter a relationship ("OMG, it just happened!") or they're sexually active ("OMG it just happened!" - Again.).

For me, there is that disingenuous nature, that deception, that recklessness that makes me believe that women just aren't into me no matter what. Being close to a woman but not having any romantic or sexual potential is kinda like putting a buffet in front of a homeless person but saying they can't eat any of it. That's how I see it, and I have reasons for this.

For starters, other men - more attractive, well-off, popular men of reputation - don't have to subscribe to friendship to get what they want. If they do, then maybe it's genuine friendship or the woman is playing hard to get, so they play along. I don't know TOO many guys who willingly enter into platonic friendships for the complete and total definition of what a traditional friendship should be.

Secondly, as a guy who is self-conscious and battling with himself on the regular, the stigma of being friends with a bunch of women doesn't help the battle at all. As stupid as it sounds, I'm afraid of being stereotyped and outcast as being a man who isn't interested in women on a sexual and romantic level. Yeah, I said it was stupid, but it's a real fear. I mean sure, there are worse things to be in society, like a murderer, a racist, or if you're Michael Vick, being in PETA's cross hairs. But I really feel like it emasculates me and trivializes who I am as a man when women say "I only see you as a friend." And I know I'm a straight man with a desire for female companionship, but why does it have to be the most basic, stark, loveless form of companionship? There's nothing heartwarming about hanging out and talking on the phone. There's nothing passionate about random conversation. There's nothing loving about being introduced to others as a woman's "friend."

Thirdly, the sexual aspect of friendship is one that can't be overlooked. People are really engaging in the FWB thing now, and somehow I'm wrong for hoping for that kind of friendship. It seems that only men who are well over six feet tall, muscular and handsome can have sexual wants, needs and desires. A darkskinned overweight dork like me? Forget it. I may as well donate my genitals to science it seems.

Finally, and probably the most important reason I loathe being a woman's friend is because I know deep down in my heart and in the darkest corners of my mind that it will never go anywhere. If I had a dollar for everytime I've heard statements such as "friends make the best lovers" and "you have to start off as friends," Sallie Mae wouldn't be calling and sending mail every two days. It's hurtful. With God's will, I'll be 28 September 25th, and through the internet reunion marvel that is Facebook, I'm finding that people I grew up with are settling into adulthood with spouses and children. What do I have? Not a damn thing. No dating prospects, women hate me because I'm different, and a job with hours that make it difficult to even try looking for women if I wasn't so introverted and distrustful of the gender. All that talk about friendship leading to more has never worked out for me. It didn't when I was a kid and I don't see any reason to believe that things would change now and in the future.

But then there's the backlash that I usually incur from deading these kinds of friendships. More often than not, I'm cast as the bad guy who isn't really a decent person because I'm tired of being alone, undesirable and used. Well let me be clear. I have feelings, I have a desire to be wanted, I don't want to be by myself the rest of my life, I'm not any less of a man because I don't fit the physical description of what's hot. If women are truly interested in being friends, then be a friend, but please don't say it just to string me along. It's only going to add to my struggles, ones I'm hoping to kick before it's too late.

Kitchen Follies...

As the title suggests, I'm following through on my threat to learn how to cook. I've butchered my last two attempts at spaghetti and meatballs (too little sauce a couple of weeks ago, too much yesterday) and I tried to double up on the last batch of turkey meatloaf and it wasn't done all the way through. Still, I'm making progress in that I promised myself one thing I would try before my 28th birthday (which is September 25th for those who are interested) is learning to cook. I still have a ways to go, but I'm pretty proud of myself for finally putting my kitchen to use.

The first time I successfully made turkey meatloaf was documented in one of my Facebook albums and it was a fun process to go through. It helped me understand why a lot of folks think of cooking as a hobby or even therapy. It's fun to prepare your own food and if it turns out right, chow down with complete satisfaction. And for someone like me who has to have music in order to make anything work at home, it's even better to sing or rap while mixing sauces and boiling noodles.

And as Vdizzle has often pointed out to me, beats spending a heap of change on fast food every day. The sooner I can learn and master new dishes, the better off my savings will be, which will undoubtedly go towards a laptop, seeing as this six-year old Dell desktop of mine is on its Boyz II Men ("Although we've come to the ennnnnnnnnnnnd of the road/Still I can't let goooooooooooo!).

My next meal of interest is porkchops. My mom use to make some damn good porkchops and of course, it's the other white meat so I wouldn't be violating my diet completely. Hopefully in the next couple of weekends I'll have a chance to tackle that. If anybody has any suggestions on how to prepare them or spice them up, let me know. I'm ready to step away from fast food altogether. The time has come for Chris to become King of the Kitchen...okay, maybe not. Just being able to cook my own food is a great step forward altogether.

On Vacation And Nowhere To Go

Bills, bills, bills. Beyonce'nem made a cute little ditty about them 10 summers ago (I'm feeling extra old again), and bills are the main reason I'm off for a good week and some change with NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOwhere to go. Alas, I'm blessed to even have a vacation as I was afraid to take one last summer. Now I get some serious time to myself to think about my life and what I want to do to change the things I don't like. This post will pretty much be a compilation of random thoughts that should tide you guys over until I'm ready to post about one particular subject.

I've gone back to the basketball court in the mornings. Hopefully I can transition back to walking, but basketball has served as great cardio in the past, so hopefully it works again this time. I started back August 1st (last Saturday) and have done at least an hour every morning. It's nice to see my jumpshot hasn't abandoned me after being idle for 11 months. The shot was cranking from the word go, and with the exception of this morning (slow start, slow finish) I was hitting more than half of my threes. An NBA team needs to invite me to training camp. Not really.

Old School Thursdays on WDASFM.com have helped push me to the end of the week with a smile. One thing I miss about living in Delaware is Philly radio, especially DAS, the contemporary r&b/classic soul station. DAS was a huge part of my life growing up because my mom would NOT allow any other station on unless we had our own radios. I was blessed with one at 11, but out of habit, it STAYED on 105.3.

That's where my appreciation for old school music was shaped and developed and now I am a complete old soul on the music tip. Take yesterday, for instance, as soon as I heard "After all that we've been through..." I SNAPPED. "The Finest" by the SOS Band totally took me back to my really young days when riding around on Saturdays with my mom or my big sis (who got her license at the tail end of 1985) going anywhere and eventually stopping at McDonald's for a Happy Meal was perfection. That's what music is supposed to do. Make you feel good and bring back some dynamite memories. I should've saved this for Soundtrack, huh? LOL

The tragedy in Pennsylvania this past week was sad because three women lost their lives and several others were injured. It's also sad because George Sodini, the madman who perpetrated these atrocities didn't have the onions to just off himself and let women, who he blamed for his lonely lifestyle, go.

Granted, I have the same issues with women, but at the same time, I've been blessed with an indifferent, flippant attitude towards women. None of them are worth jeopardizing my freedom, career and general ability to breathe, so I blog about the crap they put me through in order to keep the sanity. Besides, words can hurt just as much as any amount of violence. I know that better than anybody, considering some of the things women say to me.

I can only giggle at the fact that Cash for Clunkers is working, Ford turned a profit for the first time since the beginning of this decade and layoffs are drastically down. Yes, I know we're not even close to being out of the woods, but it seems like President Obama's recovery plan is working fine, despite the ranting and raving to the contrary.

Baseball Thought: The Phillies will repeat as World Series Champions. And I will be at the parade. Guarantee you that much!

Anybody know anything about the digital tv converter boxes? Leave me your input because I apparently missed out on the coupons and will have to buy one. I'd rather have full-scale cable, but that's not in the budget right now. Maybe things will change down the line.

Not quite seven months since...you know. And that was a disaster. Is somebody trying to tell me something?

Hope you all have a great weekend. I know I will :)