Open Letter To My Fellow Brothers

Dear Bitter, Scorned, Rejected Black men of America,

What the hell is wrong with y'all? First Tynesha Stewart, then Nailah Franklin, now Latasha Norman. I don't get it. You fools DO know that there are 10 women to 1 man in the world nowadays, right? There's no excuse for you to kill these bright and beautiful sisters of ours who deserved much more than to be a missing person case with a sad ending. Yes it hurts and sucks to be turned away by women with so much going on that may not want you anymore. That's life. You move on and say "f*** it, her loss" and find another woman. This "if I can't have you, no one else will" garbage is reprehensible and causing an already ridiculous divide between black men and black women to grow deeper and wider.

You know they come out with studies every so often to try and drive black women away from us. Newsflash: YOU GOONS AREN'T HELPING! CUT IT OUT!

Granted, I'm a chief verbal abuser, I have no problem admitting I've said some ignorant things to women in my day, but I've never put my hands on a woman, nor do I plan to. It's unnecessary and flat out cowardly. You can get mad and say what you want, words hurt, but that's where it should end. Killing women and tearing their families apart and making us look like a bunch of savages in the eyes of the media is not the best revenge. The best revenge is looking within, figuring out why you lost her, and improving yourself so when another Tynesha/Nailah/Latasha comes along (surprisingly, good women are NOT an endangered species, so yes there are more out there), you'll be ready for her and she'll be ready for you.

Instead, you chose to brutally and senselessly take the lives of young black women who were destined by God to be great, to be wonderful. I believe in the afterlife, so I know this is not the end of them altogether, but having to go to God and ask why has to be hard. Just like it's going to be hard for their loved ones to figure out why.

I know why. We as men as become soft and can't take no for an answer. We need to man the hell up and realize that while it's going to hurt to no longer be with these beautiful, talented, intelligent women full of potential, that there are more out there and we have to make ourselves wanted by these women. Killing them doesn't help us or them. Or black folks as a whole.

Annoyed and saddened by the senseless murders,

Chris.

Thanksgiving Day Remix

Yaknow....good food is a helluva drug. It can inspire you to blog and come up with a new song. Like ta hea it? Hea it go...

DJ Salad! Eat the best! What? Eat Nigga!
I'm so FULL, yeah, I loosened my pants off my waist because the food was so great, ate everything on my plate
I'm so full! I got this grub up in my mouth and if you been to the house you know that you'll be full!
and if you feel me, putcha forks up!
FULLLL
I dare you to try and stand up cause you so full!
The next day you can work it out
And you ain't full if you don't know what I'm talkin bout
I-I-I-I-I'm SO FULL

Everybody wanna know why the food so fly
Make a grown man cry
Man, my mama from the hood
Come get a plate cause you know it's all good
Don't wear a white T
Unless you ready to get it dirty
Heading back to the kitchen for more potato pie that's sweet
That's why my cousins wanna fight me
I'm here for the food, bruh
See that's what I drove here for
With my high class hungry ass
YES you can use my kitchen pass

I'm so FULL, yeah, I loosened my pants off my waist because the food was so great, ate everything on my plate
I'm so full! I got this grub up in my mouth and if you been to the house you know that you'll be full!
and if you feel me, putcha forks up!
FULLLL
I dare you to try and stand up cause you so full!
The next day you can work it out
And you ain't full if you don't know what I'm talkin bout
I-I-I-I-I'm SO FULL

Damn my doctor, you can tell em I said it
Put me on a diet all he want he gon have to come catch me
Test my blood pressure all you want, I'mma grub when I'm ready
Shirts tight on me now cause the food is heavy
I have all the utensils with me cause I ain't friendly
I eat it all homey, y'all vegetarians
I like grubbin baby, I ain't on no starvin shit
gotta give away my favorite jeans, they no longer fit
If you eatin three or four plates where I'm from, we like to call ya thick
I gotta thank God for the food that don't give me the shits

I'm so FULL, yeah, I loosened my pants off my waist because the food was so great, ate everything on my plate
I'm so full! I got this grub up in my mouth and if you been to the house you know that you'll be full!
and if you feel me, putcha forks up!
FULLLL
I dare you to try and stand up cause you so full!
The next day you can work it out
And you ain't full if you don't know what I'm talkin bout
I-I-I-I-I'm SO FULL

Epiphany

Well, I think it finally sunk in. After years and years of being anti-social, loner-ish, and flat out unwilling to move out of my comfort zone, it's registering with me. I haven't lived life. AT ALL. Tonight, I'm sitting here just randomly listening to most of the songs I have on my computer, and here's a fact about me that might be of some interest to you guys; I can identify memories and where I was at when certain songs and albums were hot. As I ran through my playlists and just started reminiscing on things and time periods that honestly could've been better. I thought about how I had no memories of parties or events that weren't sports-related, no nightmare/blind/great dates, nothing. They really ain't lyin' when they say college is the best time of your life and you should enjoy it. I truly blew my chance.

Of course I can't turn back the hands of time, so that's over and done. Now that I'm on my own and 26 years old, that's my main concern. What can I do NOW to add something different to my life? I honestly don't know.

I've pretty much been hiding behind a computer screen since I was 17, so I really don't know how to carry myself in social situations, and it shows. I've been here in Maryland for a month, and I don't know ANYBODY outside of my office. My reliance on the internet for conversation is typical for me and maddening to others who seem to think I'm funny as hell and great to know. If only I believed that about myself.

I do want to change, I want to be able to look back and say I did something with my life outside of my profession, but I don't know how to go about it. I'm taking suggestions.

You don't have to prove to me you're beautifullll to strannnnngers.....

My blogging folk, feel free to check out Chaka Khan's new album, Funk This, it has a cover of a Carly Simon classic that Chaka remade with Michael McDonald (yes, that old ass white guy with soul...Taylor Hicks is merely a Michael Mac jock rider) called "You Belong To Me." Bad Assery at its best. Steve Harvey has that in heavy rotation on the Morning Show, and now I walk around singing that part of the song which is the title of this entry.

I'm so glad that Thanksgiving is here. Guess who's leaving Tuesday morning and daring anyone to say otherwise? You betcha. The downside of working for a family based organization is that they all are local. My fam is 150-160 miles and three hours north in another state. I know you strong independent folks who are states away are wondering "Why are you bitchin'?" Truth is, blog family, I miss my people. I miss Wilmington, Delaware, I miss the laziness my short two month spell at home allowed. But I don't miss not having any certainty about ever getting a job in my field. I have that now, and it's up to me to keep it all rolling.

Speaking of keeping things rolling and rolling well, I finally got my brakes done, and I'm so happy that I can brake and not have to worry about my car shaking like a video girl's bee-hind. I randomly did 60 late last night and slammed on the brakes and sighed a sigh of wonderment and ecstacy, that's how geeked I am to have my car at its peak performance. And it only cost me 100 bucks, so it's a win-win. Yay for co-workers who can get discounts on everything.

If I ever eye grope a woman the way Jameil's 40-something perv at her gym does, feel free to bust my ass, thanks. I thought it was ridiculously funny that this dude took time out to watch her do what she was doing, then follow her ass out the weight room and finally say "hello." I bet he said it like the Exorcist, "heellooooo." So scary. I told her last night he wanted him some specially-made Jam, SGRho flavored. She laughed, but for real, that's crazy. Talk to a woman right away so you'll at least know if she wants to be bothered or not. Says the dude who had a gorgeous friend for the taking in college but never made a move. Go figure.

So after riding to Waldorf to get my DSL kit from UPS yesterday, I still can't use it until Monday because that's when my activation date is. Verizon is drawing, but it's all good. After Monday, no more late nights in the office, and plenty of music and bom chicka wah wah for your boy. Looking forward to it after working all weekend like I'm about to do.

My to-do list now that my brakes are done and I still have a nice amount left; Buy American Gangster (the album), go grocery shopping, try and find a barbershop, work, then leave Tuesday at the asscrack of dawn. Can't wait. So let me ask you guys a question that I'll answer myself in the comments; what are you all thankful for this year?

Walking It Out and more

The pain returned today. The stiff, tight and sore feeling that worked its way up from the balls of my feet, shoots up my calves and thighs to the small of my back was quite noticeable. And it felt great. I've found my walking pattern down here in the depths of Southern Maryland, and aside from a few gross-out discoveries of various species of dead animal, these last three days of walking have been good for my body and my mind, hopefully it'll extend to my heart and soul. I've been down here for three weeks and I'm already having workplace drama and issues with women. The stress coincides with me not getting into an exercise and eating pattern since I've been here, but I think I've found it this weekend.

It's D...SU, snitches! 2007 Mid-Eastern Athletic Conference football champs! I was so upset that I didn't get to go to the game, but I am pretty damn proud of my alma mater right now. For once, we're on the top of the mountain and it feels so good. BTW, University of Delaware? You can't run and you can't hide anymore. We are coming for that ass. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

I'm already tired of Maryland women. Yes, already. Women, why would you offer to chill with somebody when you're quote-unquote "emotionally unavailable?" What kind of bovine feces is that? Either you're single or you're not. I don't have time for some female who's going to run back to some dude once he feels like being bothered with her and then her running back to me when he's acting up again. And this chick was OLDER than me! God help me.

I miss having internet at the crib. I ordered DSL from Verizon, so UPS was supposed to bring me the kit, yet those dumbasses keep coming at the times that aren't on the notices, so I have to call them tomorrow and do retarded sign language so they understand I'm a working individual and I'm not home all freaking day. I miss being online in the comfort of my own home and downloading *ahem* bom chick wah wah! Hey, I'm honest.

I really don't have anything significant to talk about, but I felt like I owed you guys and entry, so here it is.

So It's National Blog Month

And two bloggers who I prefer to call Frank Lucas (Jameil) and Nicky Barnes (Vdizzle) are undertaking the task of blogging once a day, so I salute them for their ambition and drive to have something interesting to talk about everyday. I can't do it, LOL...so I'm going to try at least once a week, which will greatly please Frank....er uh, I mean Jameil.

Today's topic? The battle for healthy self-esteem and how women have nothing to do with it. In a recent conversation with Jameil, she was more fired up than usual, trying to convince me that my battle for self-acceptance doesn't hinge on whether I turn women on or not. Of course I think it does, but I listen because I don't want to get killed long distance.

For background purposes, let me make it clear that I've always kinda sorta been woman-crazy, but it didn't really sink in for me how obsessed I was until I got to St. Mary's County. Now mind you, I've been here almost three weeks, it'll be three tomorrow, and I haven't even spoken to a woman, let alone went out with any. Yet, I'm still wondering when I'm going to get some youknowwhat. Mind you, I'm the farthest thing from a manwhore/playa/pimp/ladies' man you will ever know. Yet, the constant need to be in a woman's company or get some sort of praise (or something else that starts with a "p") from them is maddening. I know one has to love themselves in order for someone else to love them.

However, I feel like it would be easier if the preferred gender of attraction would show me some love so I could feel like I wasn't such a failure as a human being. I guess my reason for feeling that way is that I've always been the single guy, the third wheel of sorts. My boys would want to include me in things, but since they were dating/married at young ages, I felt that it was best to steer clear so I wouldn't become THAT friend the wives can't stand, you know?

And in that alone time, I started wondering why women didn't want me. And of course, everybody knows when you're alone, you have a lot of time to think, and my thoughts drifted to everything that was WRONG with me instead of magnifying what's right about me and presenting it to women to get the results I want. Somehow, all that was good with me got lost in my pining for women to adore me, and the negative came flaring out and it's been on full display ever since. That's my story.

Now what people are telling me is that no one comes before you, you have to love yourself and you'll always be happy even if you don't find love. That's fine, but for those of us who've been sold the dream that you need a relationship and love to survive, how can you work your way out of that belief in order to reshape your way of think that you'll be just fine if you never have anyone there for you, no one to make love to, no one to just chill and watch TV with, no one who understands you and accepts you for who you are and doesn't care about what you're not?

That's my problem. I'd love to be o.k. even if I stay single forever, but part of me knows I won't be, so I want to date/sleep with/marry, etc., but I don't know if I can pull it off. It's a strange situation. One I hope to resolve soon.

Why Chris is an internet fiend and some Saturday morning musings

My friends, I am sho'nuff sitting in the newsroom on a Saturday morning with no one else around, writing a story that isn't due until Tuesday and fiddling around on the internet. Verizon needs to get the molasses out its ass so I can get settled at home.

Anyway, I had my first real fender bender in life yesterday morning. First off, my car wouldn't start as I was leaving for work, and I began to curse my dumb luck, but my co-worker came to the rescue, alerting that my battery cables were just jarred loose and after he got them tighter than a virgin on prom night, Bonnie was revved up and ready to rock and roll. I backed out so quick that I didn't bother to let off the gas and I bumped into this woman's Buick, and of course, I left a message to let her know what happened.

The woman calls me on my lunch break, to let me know that she knows and do I want my insurance company to handle it. I said yeah, but I have to get back to work at 1:30, which I did. So why do I get a phone call from a deputy saying that me leaving without leaving her all my pertinent info was an arrestible offense? Mind you, all that was damaged was her bumper, a mild dent even, and nothing was left on Bonnie. No injuries or anything of the sort to anyone (her car was parked, only thing hurt was my pride).

So I'm leaving work in a panic, thinking I'm about to become of a victim of Good Ol' Southern Justice, when I just forced myself to calm down and start working out bail arrangements in my head. Turns out that was just a way to get me there to switch information with her. I'm thinking to myself "dude, I wasn't gonna jump town. I live here, you know?" My insurance company is going to pay for the damage, which probably isn't more than 100 bucks and now I can move on without worrying about being behind bars.

I'm hoping when I go to Auto Zone later today that my brakes can be done before next Saturday's DSU/Norfolk State game, because I desperately want to go. If the Hornets win, it'll be their first MEAC championship in 16 years and the first trip to the I-AA playoffs ever. Considering all the heartache and drama my alma mater's been through in the past four months, some good news, even if it is merely football would be nice.

For those that don't know, I write short stories, erotica based most of the time just for fun. I'm glad this time in the dark ages at home (no internet/phone/cable) has given me time to re-start my creative writing efforts because it's good exercise that usually spills over into my professional obligations. Not the erotica, but the description and narrative parts of it. If you'd like to read some of my horny musings, feel free to let me know. If not, since I know some are uncomfortable with that, I won't share. Clearly, I'd e-mail you the stories instead of putting them on the blog. I'm no fool, lol

Still need to find a scale, I might just end up waiting until December first to get on the scale mainly because I'm back on routine with eating and I've started stretching again, so I've had some time to get back to the business of improving my body, and hopefully my self-esteem will come next.

Speaking of which, Jameil the jet-setter and I had a conversation about that earlier this week, and she wouldn't let me blame women for my troubles with self. The more I think about that, the more she may have a point. Why? I'll get into that another time. Meanwhile, I'm done my story and I need breakfast, so that concludes this edition of internet fiend-eration. I'll probably be back and forth in the office all weekend, so holla at a player when you see him on the work computer.